The Bowlers

• Paul ``Sleeper'' Jones: Rumours of Bowlfest IV has reactivated (or woken up!) the man formerly known as the ``Welsh Wizard''. He reports that he has been extensively studying his game plan all year, which is believed to be etched in miniature onto his desk. Rating: 108
• Karen ``K-McModule'' McGaul: Will being separated from the Cookie Monster for more than half an hour stifle the bowling talents of this number theorist? Disappointed not to be on the maroon team, but says she can translate the rule book into German if required. Rating: 88
• Alan ``Raybans'' Rayfield: This young boy is a newcomer to the field, but certainly has a bright future ahead of him. Remember, ones with copper coloured tops perform twice as well as other leading brands. Rating: 80
• Rob ``Gamesmaster'' de Jeu: Never mind the Golden Bowl, this virgin of the alleys will be playing for the Golden Joystick! Hopes his height will give him an advantage over the other contestants. Rating: 80
• John ``Mr. Popularity'' Bolton: Certainly living up to his name this year with 88 students (or two fat ladies) taking his Differential Geometry course, and a new Ph.D student. Will this heavy load have an adverse effect on his bowling prowess? Only time will tell. Rating 106
• Helen ``Brown Owl'' Fawley: Our fine feathered friend has been to the 4 corners of the globe in preparation for this event, including altitude training in India, and being put through rigourous endurance tests in Poland. Definitely on a high after the recent triumphs of her Fantasy Football League team. Rating: 97
• Michael ``Bank Holiday'' Young: After missing out on Bowlfest III, this ``young''ster is keen to re-establish himself on the bowling circuit. The adrenaline rush of having the Fest 2 days before his viva must surely be worth an extra 20 points per game. Could surprise a few people. Rating: 95
• Mike ``Baby Bio'' Gronow: The hardy perennial is back, and this time he means business! Hopes to see his score bloom and grow this year - his ability to calculate genus might be helpful. Rating: 98
• Patrick ``Mr. Safety'' Dorey: Still on his 5-year research grant Mr. Safety has made good use of his time and published widely acclaimed papers like ``Aspects of Toda Bowling Theory'' and ``Remarks on Affine Toda Field Bowling''. Soon his book covering the quantum aspects will be out. But will he be able to make practical use of his theoretical knowledge? Will his experience gained at CERN's particle accelerator give him an advantage in handling non-relativistic particles? And what's the magic behind the safety-scarf? Rating: 90
• Uli ``Cookie Monster'' Harder: The Cookie Monster showed a rather inconsistent performance in last years event. He changed his name will he change his performance? Coming last in the score table he has got nothing to lose. Are rumours about secret practice sessions true? What brand of chocolate cookies will he use this year? Rating: 59
• Alistair ``Tonic Water'' MacIntyre: A man who firmly believes ``a bowling name is for life not for X-mas''. We wonder whether his theoretical progress in s(p)ine-Bowling boundary problems will help to defend his title as MVP. Having worked out the scattering problem for the zero-curvature lane condition his score should well be above the 128 mark.
• Jens ``Locomotive Magdeburg'' Gladikowski: He claims to have no experience in bowling. But there are strong rumours that he's been member of the mighty and top secret East-German national team which never made any public appearance. We shall see what's left of his strength. Will he solve the bowling problem with a shooting method or a more analytical approach? Rating: 80
• Robert ``Le Canadien'' Weston: Having the experience of cold Canadian Winters he is a safe bet for good performance in cold temperatures. He has spent some time researching (s)pin systems (hep-th/9502060) and can theory-wise certainly match ``Mr. Safety''. ``Le Quebecois'' is certainly a welcome asset to the Particle Theory team. Rating: 80
• Pete ``The Meat'' Bowcock: He was an integral part of the North-American bowling scene until he left Chicago a few years ago to join Durham University as a professional. Rumour has it that ``Meat'' secretly practises with ``Babe Ruth''. Rating: 80
• Ruth ``Babe'' Gregory: She is known to be the ``Babe Ruth'' of bowling and is currently on a Royal Society fellowship to improve her bowling skills even more if that is possible. Like ``Pete the Meat'' she spent several years in the North American professional league before coming to Durham via Cambridge. Rating: 80
• Michael ``Hay trick'' Hayes: Yet another entry of the CBT (Centre for Bowling Theory). He is from Ireland. Our spies report he has been seen in pure Maths lectures. Is he a pure Maths mole? Rating: 80
• Matthias ``Löther-Gürd'' Müller: His measured, quiet and skillful approach play for the departmental five-a-side team is expected to translate itself to his bowling action. No prior knowledge but with German precision an average of 80 is expected.
• James ``Thunderball'' Blowey: Once again, the Newcastle conurbation holds its collective breath as the bowler who registers 8 on the Richter Scale and on consistency approaches. Potentially devastating, he has difficulty throwing the ball away from the gutter. Hence a low 84.
• Clare ``Boom-Boom'' Woodward: First Bowlfest but no stranger to the lanes in Brighton. The meticulous approach and a sensible power to accuracy ratio make for a good average of around 80.
• Alan ``Powerhouse'' Craig: The Dolph Lundren of the top corridor performed below par in Bowlfest I. But as in Rocky III, last winter was spent training in the Tundra. It is not a good day to be a pin. Rated at 80, but could well perform better.
• Fiona ``Powerhut'' Sloan: ``Tiny but Effective'' are the words that immediately spring to mind. Following in the footsteps of the Paul Bunyan of Durham, things look very good. Let's hope the recent strikes at work translate to play. A worthwhile addition to anyone's team. Ranking 80.
• Fionn ``Powerpoint'' Craig: Plugging and playing come as standard to this four-lingual youngster. Well versed in trampolining and Mosaic she should give a bouncy and colourful performance of 84.
• Iain ``Skippy'' MacPhee: The thunder from down-under commands respect whenever he is in the vicinity of a bowling arena, but he's not as young as he used to be, and his form has not been quite so blistering of late. Nevertheless, he's always a contender for the championship, and an even better bet for the golden bowl. If he's on form on the night, scores around 127 will be common-place.
• Darren ``The Dazzler'' Wilkinson: Recent elevation of departmental status make the internet wizard a bit of an unknown. How will he react to an entire evening off, now that he is weighed down with academic pressures?! Time will tell, but he always aims for his average of 100.
• Alison ``Teach'' Wilkinson: Once again, changes in circumstances make this young lady hard to weigh up. Will she have the energy to put in a credible performance after spending the day battling with the worst of Framwellgate Moor's teen-agers? On the other hand, she could score well if she pretends that the pins are her lower-band fourth formers! Scores of 90 are the expectation.
• Frank ``Giant'' Coolen: This reasonably recent Dutch signing to the statistics group bowling team has been in constant training since arriving in Durham over a year ago, but is now ready for his first outing. The big man has a great height advantage, but will he be able to capitalise on it in the confines of the bowling arena? Who knows how he'll tackle the pins, but I wouldn't be at all surprised to see an average in the region of 100.
• David ``Shiraz-Cabernet'' Wooff: Excellent technique make the clean-shaven golden-bowler a constant threat to the title. However, if competitors manage to ply him with the red stuff beforehand, he could find himself out of contention. Averages around 128 when he's got a clear head.
• Jenny ``Our Lass'' Argyle: This Sheffield girl is yet another recent signing to the statistics group team, but rumours that Sir John Hall is funding all of these transfers are completely unfounded. A bit of an unknown, but a conservative estimate of around 80 shouldn't trouble her greatly.
• Michael ``The Godfather'' Goldstein: Michael must be very proud to head a statistics group with such a formidable bowling team. It is strongly suspected that his appointing strategy since coming to Durham is at the heart of the strength and depth of this formidable gathering of bowlers. Michael himself, never one to shy away from controversy, has a bowling strategy all of his own. It may not be widely adopted by the masses, but at least it's foundationally justifiable. He'll be looking to score around 89.
• Jacko ``Van Basten'' Verheijen: This latest Dutch addition to the statistics group team is on temporary loan from PSV Eindhoven, and looks as though he could perform well on the day. We'll put him down for an average of 100, but he could well prove to be much better than this conservative estimate.
• Mathew "Cello" Penrose: This musical maestro may have a delicate feel for harmony and rhythm, but he hides this well when he enters GX Superbowl. His quirky "bunny-hop" style may turn a few heads, but it doesn't always floor the pins. We'll give him an average of around 80.